Oh you guys. This post has been weighing on my heart for a couple of weeks now and honestly it’s taken me that long to figure out what I wanted to say. Or how to say it is actually more like it.
I thought about not saying anything at all, but I’ve been really thinking about people lately and how we stink at letting others see us when we’re not “perfect”. Which is kind of silly because we’re never perfect. We all put our best foot forward & always want others to see us at our best and with no struggles. Well, I’m sharing this and I wasn’t at my best. But I feel like God used my imperfectness and taught me something real special through it.
When anxiety reared its ugly head in my life, it was during the best time of my life, the most exciting time. Austin and I were only married a couple of months when I started having anxiety attacks. At first, I didn’t know what was going on. Nothing tragic in my life had happened so ‘Why am I feeling like this?’ I would wonder. My every day was waking up with that question in the morning and going to sleep with it every night. I knew that I didn’t feel right and it freaked me out. We would be watching a movie and all of the sudden my chest would get tense, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and a couple of times my legs even went numb and shook. More than once I literally felt like I was dying. Fear crippled my heart and it affected my body.
And so that’s what I kept thinking- that something must medically be wrong with me and I was in fact dying. Sounds crazy and if you know me, this is so not ME. So to say I was scared is putting it mildly. I felt awful for putting Austin through what I did because I was his brand new wife and here I am acting like a crazy woman. I felt embarrassed and confused. I felt like I was abducted & put in prison and fear was holding the key. It was awful.
When I finally realized I was facing a mental battle instead of a physical one, that’s when I felt like I could fight it and eventually win. I got out my Bible and a journal and I wrote down every single verse I could find to remember God is always in control. If I knew an attack was coming, I’d tap Austin and he’d lovingly just hold me and pray out loud while I cried and breathed through it.
I memorized three verses and clung to them when the worried thoughts came and the attacks made my body go into kook mode. I’ve never breathed so deeply and prayed so much out loud in my life.
It was the best and worst 6 months of my life. I learned a whole lot about myself and expressing my emotions the right way. I learned that God is good all of the time. He’s good through the happy times and the not so happy times. He deserves my trust and I’m thankful I don’t have to worry about things because he’s in control of it all. He really is and I understand it in a way that I couldn’t before.
Anxiety isn’t a joke. I didn’t understand it until I personally experienced it, but now that I have I hope somehow my story can encourage someone else. If you’re reading this and are struggling with some of the same things, I want to encourage you to fight your hardest because you can overcome it. Your mind can come out of the prison that fear has locked it in and you can come out with a stronger faith and a smile. Because God is really the one who’s holding the key.🔑
“From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord which made heaven and earth.”
1 Peter 5:7
“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”